John Cougar and I Both Wear Old People Shoes

I recently checked out a book from the library on how to appear younger than I really am. Why I checked this out, I will never know. Of course there were little tidbits of genius in there, such as 'use lotion on dry skin.' And of course clever advice such as 'dye your hair when it turns gray.' But in this book there was also a list of the clothing items a woman should never wear unless she wants to appear very, very old.

Since every item I currently covet was on this list, it seems that I am not only a trapped in the 80s mom, but may be a trapped in the 80s old lady. I have been desperately wanting the one pair or shoes that is supposed to age me the fastest: penny loafers.

I want a pair just like I used to wear in the late eighties and early nineties. Black, worn with white bobby socks. I don't care how old or outdated I look. I don't care how they make my hips look wide or make me seem dorky. I don't care if its very uncool to wear coins in the little slots. I don't care if its even uncooler to wear in those slots two little aluminum Austrian Groschen, as has always been my custom. I'm gonna get these granny shoes.

I was recently watching a John Cougar video, for 'Crumblin' Down'. And I saw Mr. Cougar (he's 'Cougar' to me, none of this Mellencamp BS) in his skinny jeans and loafers with white socks and I felt like I was looking at the late 80s me for a second (only of course if I were male and could sing and were in a video). And I decided right then and there that I would get my loafers, despite the uncool. Despite the aging. I decided that I may be going down in an old lady blaze of glory, but I'll be damned if I don't do it in shoes that I adore.

Ole Grampa Cougar and I will be just happy and fine in our loafers and Depends Disposable Undergarments. Thank you very much Paris and Milan, but I respectfully decline.